Really. I used to be able to handle just about anyone and anything. I used to be such a "live and let live" kind of person who NEVER held grudges and certainly hardly EVER raised my voice with anyone. Not even my husband. I mean, sure, I CAN explode on people every once in a blue moon (um, usually my husband), but I'm always over whatever is the issue rather quickly. It's like I need to just let off the steam and then...all's well! What's for dinner?
But ever since I became a mother and then produced three little, independent beings, I've become a mean, mean monster. It's just so totally different when it's YOUR progeny who want to do things contrary to what YOU think they should do. My patience...is GONE. I get so mad at myself because I feel as if I'm not teaching my kids ANYTHING but how to yell and be short and be just generally unpleasant. HOW did I become like this? More importantly, HOW do I change myself BACK to how I SHOULD be?
I don't want my kids growing up thinking that their mother just seemed to HATE them and had to absolutely CONTROL everything they did. I don't want them thinking that I have NO compassion for them (which is not true, but my distorted behavior seems to give that impression). I certainly do not want them to think that this is the way they should treat their own children!
HOW do I take pause in my actions and stop the teeth-gritting, angry retorts? WHEN will I learn to say yes more instead of automatically no? HOW am I supposed to change myself now when I'm already stressed, and I'm about to bring a fourth into the mix?
I guess my "best" feature is that I talk to my kids about my own behavior quite often. If I've had my own personal temper tantrum, I always tell them after I've calmed down how wrong I was and that I will try my best to do better. It is probably confusing to them to get these mixed messages from their crazy, hormonal mom, but I am under the hopeful illusion that if I keep using my own bad behavior as an example, they will learn from it and NOT do this to their own kids. One can only hope.
The hormones have definitely had a huge impact here lately. My patience is even thinner than it was. My "mean" responses seem even meaner. Some solutions that come to mind (perhaps DAD taking over a few mornings or crazy evenings a week) are just not...doable with our life/schedule. If only I could afford a mother's helper!
I will keep working on this. Keep trying to contact and bring out a new zen-me. Keep apologizing when I've gone too far. And keep hoping I'll figure out a way to PAUSE before responding with the negativity. I just hope that I don't "lose" their love before I figure it out.
3 comments:
It's most likely just pregnancy... you'll be back to yourself in a few weeks/months after the baby comes. I was so evil by the end of my last pregnancy I got teary every evening with guilt over how snappy I was with everyone about every.little.thing! It's just really hard not to overreact when you're exhausted and in pain pretty much constantly! And your kids at least are old enough to understand what's going on, to a certain extent. I would say just keep on trying and apologizing, but don't feel too bad. I'm sure it's only temporary insanity!
Yeah, pregnancy can really take away your patience! I was always worse pregnant, although I can't claim to be patient all the time now, not pregnant either!
I believe (or I should say "hope," since this is also my problem/strategy) that talking about it is what KEEPS it from being mixed messages. Yelling one second and expressing love the next seems confusing; yelling and then explaining it seems like a temperament-teaching moment, and also seems to put the yelling into perspective/place as a human flaw like any other flaw, rather than as an expression of true feeling for THEM personally.
Hormones did a number on me, too. I always struggle with temper, but when I was pregnant/nursing I felt CRAZY.
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