Now that I'm "disabled," I find myself at a loss of what to do with myself during the day. Chores? Naah--cast gets in the way. Knit? HA! Look for jobs? Depressing. Get caught up on all that GS stuff that 's LINGERING and TAKING OVER the living room? Also depressing. Read? Oh...YEAH!
I picked up some books from the library when I had to go to help Mary research her Colonial Project (Oh! These projects! They are going to be the death of me!). THAT was a big mistake. HUGE.
I cut myself off from the books a few months ago--even before I lost my job. I found that I was cutting myself off from my family and daily life too much. The laundry never got done, I didn't bother eating breakfast or even, sometimes, lunch, and I guess the worst part--I just seemed so down, so depressed all the time. When I finished a book, I would clamor around the house, desperately seeking another one to help fill the VOID that was NOT reading. Pretty pathetic.
So...I stopped reading. And then, after a few weeks, after I "woke up" a bit, and started enjoying the kids and my life again, and things like Keith's not doing his homework weren't slipping by me anymore, I decided I was ready to slip the reading back in again--but in controlled, small amounts.
And it worked great. I was good and only read about 20-30 minutes a day--at night when the kids were in bed and didn't need my attention. And I felt like a responsible human being again.
Then I lost my job.
Let's face it, being unemployed now means that I have a LOT of time on my hands. And while I am busy and getting things done, I was starting to feel overwhelmed. ALL that "free-time" meant that I SHOULD be getting more things done. Dinner should be punctual. The dusting should be done. GS meetings should be thought out and well-planned ahead of time. No more incomplete homework should be slipping by my notice. I should be more organized. And...oh yeah, I should be looking for jobs now, too.
Oh! The job search! The depressing job search! It started buckling me down and wearing me thin. How many times have I been asked, "Are you looking for work?" The implication being that I'm just going to sit here and live off the government now. Um...YES, I'M LOOKING FOR WORK. I've actually looked a LOT. I've actually put some EFFORT into it. But...as the weeks go by, and the searches go on, and the choices are so bleak, and the phone does NOT ring, it's been bringing me down.
SO! Hey! Throw into that mix a busted wrist, and the inability to do a good chunk of the housework, and a tendency to get the winter blues, and a trip to the library, and what do you get? A girl hooked on reading again.
I pick up a book and can't seem to do anything else AT ALL until it's done. I am forgetting important things like meetings, phone calls, to check backpacks, and my own children (OMG! Is THAT the time! The BUS! Eek!). And...I forget to eat breakfast, or lunch, or both, and I seem to have lost all sense of routine/organization. I dipped right back into the book fog....
I'm glad I caught myself before I spent the whole winter like this. I am cutting the books out again, and I am getting myself back in the groove. I can't do anything about this depressing winter weather, but I can pick myself up from my bootstraps and clear the REST of the fog that's wearing me down.
And maybe I should start meeting girlfriends for coffee or something--something to get me out of the house and then maybe I won't feel so overwhelmed.
And maybe my wrist WON'T be broken, and the cast can come off, and I get at least get the laundry caught up again....
4 comments:
You have described me when reading: normal life becomes just background noise. I love reading so much, but I have to put it off for things like when I'm sick, or maybe if I'm ever on baby bedrest again. Otherwise when I finish my book I look up and realize everything has fallen apart around me! It's kind of like I am with chocolate: the self control is just NOT THERE.
I like to read, but I don't get that addicted to books that it affects other things. Now I have gotten that way with the internet for a day. Strange. I think it is all about balance and trying to make a schedule or routine and keep it.
That said, with your wrist like that, I can see how you would easily get depressed and need something to do. Maybe you should cut yourself a little slack.
After reading this message, I realized it wasn't about me. And in any case, I don't think the usual "I'M JUST LIKE THAT!" would cover it. Again you show that you're introspective and police yourself, so I think you'll be fine. But I'll also add that this was good bloggin'. I like honest stuff about the human condition. I know someone who uses reading as a form of escapism. She learned it when her life really did need to be escaped, but returned to it too often in later years. The problem with depression is that it exists on its own infinite timeline. When you're happy, that's a moment in time, when you're depressed, you have been depressed and you will always BE depressed--is the mindset. But, the reality is, this too will pass. It usually turns out that it's just one thing and all the other issues are symptoms of that. If you got a job tomorrow, for instance, you could dump your depression and focus on being nervous. Anyway, good luck, I'm sure things will turn up.
That's why Dave hated it when a new Harry Potter would come out. He said the boys could be on fire next to me and I would just be thankful for the extra light. Still trying to find Sense and Sensebility and Sea Monsters at the library.
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