Pants Gnomes

OK, I completely understand the phenomenon of pulling your spring/summer clothes out of storage and suddenly finding last year's capri's are too smug on your butt. Shorter, more inactive days, the holiday binge, the urgent desire to plop one's butt on the couch under a warm blanket and watch TV all night EVERY NIGHT between November and early March--this is a very easy concept to get--and deal with. It happens, you buy new pants, and life goes on.

What I do NOT get is pulling out a pair of cargo pants, trying them on, and then finding that they are now a FULL INCH too short! Now, I KNOW that a 34-year old adult female did NOT grow a full inch over the winter. So what the freak happened to my pants? Did Old Navy hire a Pants Gnome to go through my storage chest and shorten my pants just so that I would absolutely HAVE to not attempt to make the style last just one more season but go plunk more money down on new freaking pants? (I'd be more upset, but these pants at least convert to capris--so I can still pull THAT off, at least.)

But the biggest problem is that the gnomes followed me into the dressing room at Kohl's the other day. Now, you menfolk just don't get it, but buying jeans is a huge undertaking if you're a woman. First off, no two pairs are alike--same brand, same make, same size, same whatever and they will fit differently. When a woman realizes she needs to buy new jeans, she has two choices: either try on every freaking pair in the store in the hopes of finding ONE that MIGHT fit OK after they are washed (taking up several hours and cranky husbands/children's time and frustration added on to it) OR buying several pairs to do the try-ons in the comfort of your own home--only to find that NONE fit and you now have to take them all back and where the heck did I stick that receipt, anyway? So, I chose to do quick, mini try-on during a lunch hour. After several attempts between junior and misses sizes, I finally find a pair that seems to fit right, so I plunk down the $30 and go home. Two days later, I pulled them out of the bag to wear them--and they are suddenly too big! What the freak?! No way I would have bought these suckers if they hadn't felt and looked "right" while I tried them on. Now I'm thinking that Kohls' must have hired THEIR gnomes to swap out my jeans in the middle of the night just so that I'd have to take them back (oh God, where's the receipt?!) and then buy MORE stuff--because there are very few women disciplined enough to take something back and NOT buy a bunch more stuff while there. (Not to mention that this certainly proves Elaine Benise's theory on dressing room mirrors making stuff look good on you that indeed, does NOT.) Well, I decided to keep the freakin' jeans and wear them "around the house" just to avoid that deceiving dressing room mirror again. I can't handle another try-on session for a while here and will just have to make due with the couple of pairs of jeans I've got (all exhausted after a "secretary's spread" winter) until the capri season is in full swing again. I just can't let my pant legs down is all....